an old lover. but not.

tomorrow, my bf is coming in and we are going to one of my old friend’s wedding.

this old friend is more special than others as he is someone, at one point in my life, I thought I would marry. crazy huh? We never even dated but we were pretty much best friends in college and very good friends thereafter. We spent a majority of our time in college together, despite differing majors.

I met him on the first day of school as I lived in a suite (8 girls/suite) with a girl that attended his high school. Over the years, we would study together, hang out casually in our suite, eat meals together, chat online even though he only lived 2 floors above me. The crazy thing is, this is all before the crazy connectivity of smartphones.

Our close friends, or even just acquaintances from undergrad would often wonder why we never got toghether. My immediate response is usually..i didnt like him, mama’s boy, or he never made a move. In reality, what encompasses with almost everything..was timing.

He went abroad, then I went abroad. I have to admit, after I went abroad, my views on boys and dating changed. Well, not really, but I got a taste of life in the fast lane, partying my face off, and really digging the “scene”. That wasn’t him. he was homey, humble, kind, hilarious in his own way, and a fantastic friend to those that knew him. Oh, and quite attractive and pre-med 😉 . I was looking for that “bad boy” swagger. ha! I sound like such a cliche, but I guess I was. nothing seemed to be in a rush, I was digging the attention from cute guys at the clubs and enjoyed flirting with the creme of the crop that would come my way.

I won’t go into the history and evolvement of our relationship timeline, but some memories that popped up were:

1. freshman year. he left my suite late night around 2am after hanging out in our living room. we chatted right when he got back up to his room. I mentioned i was hungry. He told me to go to the elevators. when i got there, the elevator doors opened and on the ground was a paper towel with some crackers and cookies on top.

2. when I got lost on the road (pre-smartphones!), I would call/text him and he woudl look anything up for me

3. when I was frustrated with my brother, he would listen, ask questions, and comfort me.

4. we used “hello” – a now discontinued google app that exchanged pictures in real time with crazy falling emojis. we would exchange so many pictures

anyway. hes getting married tomorrow. In no way, did i think ..”man, he got away! cant believe hes getting married!” I think that’s because we never really dated. I never yearned to BE with him. I wonder if ti’s because he gave me everything as a friend (besides sexually that is). he knew how to listen and make me feel heard, he was proactively helpful, he was kind to others, he really cared about me and vice versa. his moral compass was always pointing in the right direction as well.

or was it. When we were both living in NY and he had a gf and I was single, we would facetime at times. not really talking or catching up. just him showing me his apt, we’d chat about nothing, he would kinda do his thing while i did mine but still staying connected. I wouldnt like it if my bf did that now with some girl. it may be “harmless” but made me feel funny nonetheless.

I used to think I was really strong, independent, and low maint. Lately I’ve been feeling needy and vulnerable. I wonder if I just felt strong and independent because I was secure and emotionally fulfilled. if i”m being needy now, it probably means im not being emotionally fulfilled huh. I am at times, it’s just more volatile.

I think he is the ultimate companion, partner for life. and I really hope she makes him extremely happy and vice versa.