an old lover. but not.

tomorrow, my bf is coming in and we are going to one of my old friend’s wedding.

this old friend is more special than others as he is someone, at one point in my life, I thought I would marry. crazy huh? We never even dated but we were pretty much best friends in college and very good friends thereafter. We spent a majority of our time in college together, despite differing majors.

I met him on the first day of school as I lived in a suite (8 girls/suite) with a girl that attended his high school. Over the years, we would study together, hang out casually in our suite, eat meals together, chat online even though he only lived 2 floors above me. The crazy thing is, this is all before the crazy connectivity of smartphones.

Our close friends, or even just acquaintances from undergrad would often wonder why we never got toghether. My immediate response is usually..i didnt like him, mama’s boy, or he never made a move. In reality, what encompasses it..as with almost everything..was timing.

He went abroad, then I went abroad. I have to admit, after I went abroad, my views on boys and dating changed. Well, not really, but I got a taste of life in the fast lane, partying my face off, and really digging the “scene”. That wasn’t him. he was homey, humble, kind, hilarious in his own way, and a fantastic friend to those that knew him. Oh, and quite attractive and pre-med 😉 . I was looking for that “bad boy” swagger. ha! I sound like such a cliche, but I guess I was. nothing seemed to be in a rush, I was digging the attention from cute guys at the clubs and enjoyed flirting with the creme of the crop that would come my way.

I won’t go into the history and evolvement of our relationship timeline, but some memories that popped up were:

1. freshman year. he left my suite late night around 2am after hanging out in our living room. we chatted right when he got back up to his room. I mentioned i was hungry. He told me to go to the elevators. when i got there, the elevator doors opened and on the ground was a paper towel with some crackers and cookies on top.

2. when I got lost on the road (pre-smartphones!), I would call/text him and he woudl look anything up for me

3. when I was frustrated with my brother, he would listen, ask questions, and comfort me.

4. we used “hello” – a now discontinued google app that exchanged pictures in real time with crazy falling emojis. we would exchange so many pictures

anyway. hes getting married tomorrow. In no way, did i think ..”man, he got away! cant believe hes getting married!” I think that’s because we never really dated. I never yearned to BE with him. I wonder if ti’s because he gave me everything as a friend (besides sexually that is). he knew how to listen and make me feel heard, he was proactively helpful, he was kind to others, he really cared about me and vice versa. his moral compass was always pointing in the right direction as well.

or was it. When we were both living in NY and he had a gf and I was single, we would facetime at times. not really talking or catching up. just him showing me his apt, we’d chat about nothing, he would kinda do his thing while i did mine but still staying connected. I wouldnt like it if my bf did that now with some girl. it may be “harmless” but made me feel funny nonetheless.

I used to think I was really strong, independent, and low maint. Lately I’ve been feeling needy and vulnerable. I wonder if I just felt strong and independent because I was secure and emotionally fulfilled. if i”m being needy now, it probably means im not being emotionally fulfilled huh. I am at times, it’s just more volatile.

I think he is the ultimate companion, partner for life. and I really hope she makes him extremely happy and vice versa.

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jumping the gun

I spent the past weekend with an old friend. She asked me about what I would want my wedding to be like, specifically color schemes. this is what girls around my age talk about.

It was a fair question given I had lied to her all weekend giving her the perception that all was good in my hood relating to the boy department.

Growing up, people thought I would have the largest wedding given my parent’s network and my own. this sentiment still rings true.

As I get older, I realize my parents (probably) won’t dictate what I should or should not have on a day meant nothing more than to celebrate love.

I went to a small wedding of 40 people one year with my family and it was perfect. There were no bridesmaids/groomsmen/flowergirls, etc. There was no string quartet, there was just an ipod and the ipod speakers (not even iphone!) The groom pressed play himself right before he walked down the aisle. The photographers were friends of theirs and the whole thing was genuine, sweet, and an honor to be a part of. This all took place in a small church up on a hill on a windy day. The reception was later at a chinese restaurant, 3 tables and the couple couldn’t be happier. I had a great time sitting next to the cutest toddler that couldn’t decide if he was really sleepy or really excited to see a balloon.

Most recently I had plans in the back of my head to have a small wedding ceremony (maybe in hawaii!) and a large reception wherever it was necessary. ooook that was a long detour to the point I wanted to speak about in my blog.

When my friend asked that question I told her i didnt want a wedding. It’s weird. I can actually see myself spending forever with him, but at this moment in time, I feel like it’s something that shouldn’t be celebrated. I thought about how weird this was to say. and the more probing follow-up questions she asked, the more adamant I was about my stance. but on the inside, I was feeling conflicted and ..betrayed? It then made me so angry that he was taking something away from me. and then I wonder, perhaps we’re just not meant to be. not right now anyway. I wouldn’t even be able to say unconditional love vows that I imagine saying to my future husband.

like the title says, I’m jumping the gun. i know staying together doesn’t mean immediate marriage (although thats kinda what hes propositioning me??) fck it – cant think about this now. I’m in school! I have a paper to write !! 🙂

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this is what heartbreak feels like

this is what it feels like.

My two best friends often consider themselves “misunderstood” and I agree with them. Both are incredibly intelligent with strong values. They are also kind, compassionate, and opinionated. In a nutshell, they are fucking badasses in all the right ways.

They are both well-loved but those that are ok friends or acquaintances may perceive one to be really girly/cutesy and the other to be super pushover-y nice. those aren’t bad qualities, but those shouldn’t be the qualities that define them.

I laughed when I first heard about their pow-wow over being misunderstood but after some thought, its true! I feel them.

Lately, I’ve been feeling misunderstood too. I think part of it is my fault given I don’t bare a lot of my soul to the public. cept u know, here, on this anonymous blog lol. sometimes, I feel like even my bf doesn’t understand me. to be fair, I dont understand me. but also to be totally unfair, hes an idiot. or maybe thats fair, im unsure. actually im sure – hes a fucking idiot.

When i used to date heavily, or at least flirty heavily with guys, I always kept it classy. why? because my reputation was so important to me. so important. I can’t stress that enough. I think a lot of that reputational factor tied in with my pride. I was fucking proud of who I was and what i stood for. Now in hindsight I wonder why I cared so much. why? it didn’t make me a “better” person objectively speaking, but I guess it was the person I wanted to be. I was a “better” person in my own eyes. But cmon, thats not really true, I know that now. I’m kinda confused as to why I held myself to that standard.

with that being said, most of my relationships start off as being really private and stay quite private for awhile. It’s just my MO because I really value my privacy and its none of yo business. thats my reasoning. my “bf” is the same way. I really liked it when i thought his reasonings were the same as mine. it was like our secret. i love you and you love me and thats all that mattered. Now, looking back, I feel so stupid.

He values his privacy too. but he valued it for completely different reasons. It fucking sucks to think that he wasn’t keeping it “our little fun secret”, he was “hiding me” instead. so he could go chase other girls. others that “he doenst care about”

word. i feel misunderstood if he thinks I would go for shit like that.

add-on edit: I think my perception of public love has changed now. I want a man that isn’t afraid to tell the world how much he cares for me.

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UGH!

Over Thanksgiving I discovered something he did that betrayed my trust to the fullest. He didn’t cheat on me, nor does he have feelings for another girl but he was pretty much advertising himself as single and looking at other girls. I won’t get into the details because they’re unnecessary but its enough to get me angry every time.

Lots happened during that weekend , we fought, we broke up, we made up. and it’s been a roller coaster but a good one in many ways because I feel like we truly got closer and I see his weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and he has seen me extremely angry.

I feel like I have to defend myself, or be embarrassed as I tell my few close friends what happened. I hate that feeling. Why should I have to feel this way?! he did this to me. why did I forgive so quickly. it’s like he was barely “punished”

in a nutshell, its been going pretty well. [I know this post has been very disjointed thus far, bear with me!]

however, there are random spurts that come up in my mind that just make me incredibly angry and insecure. It sickens me that I feel this way. Two nights ago, I thought about how easy he was let off and how i need to make it known to him that this is NOT the norm. last night he went to a bar and I was annoyed but was too sick in bed to care. Instead, i find out today he went clubbing instead. He told me he got home at 1am and went to bed at 1am. I have no reason to not believe him, but I just don’t. my gut instinct was to not believe him. I have no idea what else he could’ve done but I guess that’s what happens when the trust is broken.

what frustrates me even more was that when i approached him about this he said I should always tell him how i’m feeling and that I have every right to feel this way. then i asked what he would do to regain my trust and he just said it will take time. Does he think this is ON ME!? sure, it’ll take time..but its based off HIS actions. I asked him to clarify and he just said doing things that wouldn’t make me angry, and spending tiem when we’re together, etc. OKKK….thats basic shit. shouldn’t he be doing something more-proactive?! am I thinking about this the wrong way, someone tell me! I feel like he hasn’t “made it up” to me. is that just some crazy movie thing??

and for the love of god, how much more do I have to hint that I want flowers?! this is not something I normally want but now its become some kind of weird game I play with myself (and indirectly, him) to see WHEN HE WILL ACTUALLY SEND ME FLOWERS. i mean, by this point i feel like i DESERVE them! it’s no longer a nice gesture, its more of a necessity. hahaha thank god this is anonymous because I may sound unstable right now.

thanks for listening friends – even if its just the black hole that is wordpress. 🙂

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love language – feeling loved

in marketing, they teach us to NOT think of yourself as the consumer. don’t assume that what drives your purchase behavior is identical to the reasons that drives others’ purchase behavior. it would be arrogant to think that how you think is exactly how everyone else would think as well.

same with love. love is love, but we all feel love differently. did you know that?! I didnt until a few years ago when my friend was having boyfriend challenges and was told about this quiz –> http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ I won’t bore you with the details since they do a much better job of explaining it on that website (Don’t be fooled by the cheesy UI, it’s still worth the read!)

one of the basic things in a relationship is loving the other person, duh. but someone can love you all they want but if you don’t FEEL it, it really is like they’re not loving you at all. so it turns out that we all feel love a bit differently, prioritizing different ways over others. For me, it’s a term they dub “Quality Time”

Quality Time: “In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.”

That’s tough. when you’re long distance, you’re busy, and your significant other is busy.

this will sound completely self-centered and like I’m on my pedestal but I assure you thats not my intention. I dont think I ask for much. in fact, i know i don’t. my standards for this relationship has become so objectively low that I sometimes wonder if it’s healthy. it also scares me a bit, if we can function so well without one another, what will happen when we are togerther in the spring?

today I reached the tip of my point, not quite at the tipping point yet.

for the past week, hes been busy, tired, stressed, and overall not in a good place thanks to work. we barely spoke all week, every day would be some quick texts or gchat messages. he called me one night half asleep and he asked me about my day. which was nice, really nice. BUT before i could even begin to really start to answer, he essentially cut me off and said he was going to bed. why even ask..if you’re not going to listen?

today, we exchanged a few texts throughout the day and he called while I was with a friend grabbing a beer. I always pick up, because we rarely talk and i knew its always brief with him. he told me he was at work but going out later. when i asked who? there was a long pause, turns out he was reading an email from work that he had to respond to asap because apparently its urgent (it always is, and it never is). im bothered because he never seems to have time for me.

and when he does, its on his terms. I told him to not call me unless i had at least 4 minutes of his undivided attention. FOUR minutes. four fucking minutes. yes, thats it. its not really based on anything that happened today, but has built up. if you can remember my love language, quality time, thats really all I want. if you can go out with your friend at night, you can talk to me too.

im tired of it. i asked my friend if he thought two of our bschool friends that met at school would last post-grad. the guy was going into banking, and the girl was not. my friend said yes, because she is well aware of what its like and is well-prepared.

i called BS and pushed back. and i think i have become cynical. I have lost all my patience and it’s sad that I take out my frustrations on my current bf. it could be a lot worse, i definitely feel a lot worse than i come off to him, but I’m also in a weird position where I don’t want him to stress out more than he needs to.

which ALSO makes me angry. p.s. i recently watched gone girl and it is a crazy twisted movie that scares the crap out of me.

this is no way to end an entry and the problem remains. I do wonder if it IS a problem or am I just trying to mask the problem.

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