not edited, non-me

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

sometimes, i don’t even recognize myself. Lots of life changes happened..I graduated, moved cross-country (home), and also moved into my bf’s apartment (aka OUR apt). I like to emphasize the “our” haha.

Adapting to moves and big changes that I chose have always come quite naturally to me. I get a bit emotional and sentimental and then I move on. After all, I made that decision and I knew the decision was something that I wanted.

I feel like another person these days because :

1. I cry. a lot. every fucking thing makes me cry. can i still blame the birth control?!?! I feel like my ex-roommate that I always thought was an emotional wreck. Have I become this person as well?

2. I’m a jealous person. I’m not proud of this.

3. I feel emotionally dependent. Is this normal??? I’m not sure if my level of emotional dependence is based on the fact that there is so much to lose now since I’m in such a serious relationship.

4. I’m committing. I think I have a fear of commitment. Or is it I have a fear of THIS commitment? He has wronged me. It’s been awhile now, but snapshots still come back to me, and again, I am angry and hurt and ..emotional. I would say I’m a risk-averse person. I like to do my research, get my facts straight, and be prepared. This relationship has had so many curveballs that commitment feels like a true gamble. and I’m (almost) going all in??? That’s fucking nuts, especially for me. staying together isnt’ very logical, but it’s happening. …. at least for now ๐Ÿ˜›

5. I have no routine, I feel like I lack a purpose. ok, i think i’ve been unemployed for too long and should just enjoy things while I still can.

6. pretty much gave up on a healthy lifestyle. feeling weak and bloated.

7. i cry way too much. I read touching posts, heartwarming pictures, and hear wedding vows from complete strangers..it all makes me tear up. I’m realizing how short (and unpredictable) our time here is on earth. the moments and memories that we choose to share with the right people are crucial. It makes me feel scared and vulnerable. I have a problem with letting go of the past. I think I should because #7 right here just made it more obvious i should..again.

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jumping the gun

I spent the past weekend with an old friend. She asked me about what I would want my wedding to be like, specifically color schemes. this is what girls around my age talk about.

It was a fair question given I had lied to her all weekend giving her the perception that all was good in my hood relating to the boy department.

Growing up, people thought I would have the largest wedding given my parent’s network and my own. this sentiment still rings true.

As I get older, I realize my parents (probably) won’t dictate what I should or should not have on a day meant nothing more than to celebrate love.

I went to a small wedding of 40 people one year with my family and it was perfect. There were no bridesmaids/groomsmen/flowergirls, etc. There was no string quartet, there was just an ipod and the ipod speakers (not even iphone!) The groom pressed play himself right before he walked down the aisle. The photographers were friends of theirs and the whole thing was genuine, sweet, and an honor to be a part of. This all took place in a small church up on a hill on a windy day. The reception was later at a chinese restaurant, 3 tables and the couple couldn’t be happier. I had a great time sitting next to the cutest toddler that couldn’t decide if he was really sleepy or really excited to see a balloon.

Most recently I had plans in the back of my head to have a small wedding ceremony (maybe in hawaii!) and a large reception wherever it was necessary. ooook that was a long detour to the point I wanted to speak about in my blog.

When my friend asked that question I told her i didnt want a wedding. It’s weird. I can actually see myself spending forever with him, but at this moment in time, I feel like it’s something that shouldn’t be celebrated. I thought about how weird this was to say. and the more probing follow-up questions she asked, the more adamant I was about my stance. but on the inside, I was feeling conflicted and ..betrayed? It then made me so angry that he was taking something away from me. and then I wonder, perhaps we’re just not meant to be. not right now anyway. I wouldn’t even be able to say unconditional love vows that I imagine saying to my future husband.

like the title says, I’m jumping the gun. i know staying together doesn’t mean immediate marriage (although thats kinda what hes propositioning me??) fck it – cant think about this now. I’m in school! I have a paper to write !! ๐Ÿ™‚

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UGH!

Over Thanksgiving I discovered something he didย that betrayed my trust to the fullest. He didn’t cheat on me, nor does he have feelings for another girl but he was pretty much advertising himself as single and looking at other girls. I won’t get into the details because they’re unnecessary but its enough to get me angry every time.

Lots happened during that weekend , we fought, we broke up, we made up. and it’s been a roller coaster but a good one in many ways because I feel like we truly got closer and I see his weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and he has seen me extremely angry.

I feel like I have to defend myself, or be embarrassed as I tell my few close friends what happened. I hate that feeling. Why should I have to feel this way?! he did this to me. why did I forgive so quickly. it’s like he was barely “punished”

in a nutshell, its been going pretty well. [I know this post has been very disjointed thus far, bear with me!]

however, there are random spurts that come up in my mind that just make me incredibly angry and insecure. It sickens me that I feel this way. Two nights ago, I thought about how easy he was let off and how i need to make it known to him that this is NOT the norm. last night he went to a bar and I was annoyed but was too sick in bed to care. Instead, i find out today he went clubbing instead. He told me he got home at 1am and went to bed at 1am. I have no reason to not believe him, but I just don’t. my gut instinct was to not believe him. I have no idea what else he could’ve done but I guess that’s what happens when the trust is broken.

what frustrates me even more was that when i approached him about this he said I should always tell him how i’m feeling and that I have every right to feel this way. then i asked what he would do to regain my trust and he just said it will take time. Does he think this is ON ME!? sure, it’ll take time..but its based off HIS actions. I asked him to clarify and he just said doing things that wouldn’t make me angry, and spending tiem when we’re together, etc. OKKK….thats basic shit. shouldn’t he be doing something more-proactive?! am I thinking about this the wrong way, someone tell me! I feel like he hasn’t “made it up” to me. is that just some crazy movie thing??

and for the love of god, how much more do I have to hint that I want flowers?! this is not something I normally want but now its become some kind of weird game I play with myself (and indirectly, him) to see WHEN HE WILL ACTUALLY SEND ME FLOWERS. i mean, by this point i feel like i DESERVE them! it’s no longer a nice gesture, its more of a necessity. hahaha thank god this is anonymous because I may sound unstable right now.

thanks for listening friends – even if its just the black hole that is wordpress. ๐Ÿ™‚

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