not edited, non-me

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

sometimes, i don’t even recognize myself. Lots of life changes happened..I graduated, moved cross-country (home), and also moved into my bf’s apartment (aka OUR apt). I like to emphasize the “our” haha.

Adapting to moves and big changes that I chose have always come quite naturally to me. I get a bit emotional and sentimental and then I move on. After all, I made that decision and I knew the decision was something that I wanted.

I feel like another person these days because :

1. I cry. a lot. every fucking thing makes me cry. can i still blame the birth control?!?! I feel like my ex-roommate that I always thought was an emotional wreck. Have I become this person as well?

2. I’m a jealous person. I’m not proud of this.

3. I feel emotionally dependent. Is this normal??? I’m not sure if my level of emotional dependence is based on the fact that there is so much to lose now since I’m in such a serious relationship.

4. I’m committing. I think I have a fear of commitment. Or is it I have a fear of THIS commitment? He has wronged me. It’s been awhile now, but snapshots still come back to me, and again, I am angry and hurt and ..emotional. I would say I’m a risk-averse person. I like to do my research, get my facts straight, and be prepared. This relationship has had so many curveballs that commitment feels like a true gamble. and I’m (almost) going all in??? That’s fucking nuts, especially for me. staying together isnt’ very logical, but it’s happening. …. at least for now 😛

5. I have no routine, I feel like I lack a purpose. ok, i think i’ve been unemployed for too long and should just enjoy things while I still can.

6. pretty much gave up on a healthy lifestyle. feeling weak and bloated.

7. i cry way too much. I read touching posts, heartwarming pictures, and hear wedding vows from complete strangers..it all makes me tear up. I’m realizing how short (and unpredictable) our time here is on earth. the moments and memories that we choose to share with the right people are crucial. It makes me feel scared and vulnerable. I have a problem with letting go of the past. I think I should because #7 right here just made it more obvious i should..again.

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comeback

I’ve written a few draft posts and they were too unfinished to post. they’re interesting reads as I talk about other boys, etc.

anyway, I got a job offer the other day (hallelujah!) which means I have even more free time. I started watching Scandal, and am continuing to read some blogs. So much is about lying, cheating, and ultimately betraying the trust of those you love. especially the ONE you’re supposed to love and commit to.

for whatever reason, i feel like everything just hits so close to home these days. i cry sometimes even during the dumbest shows. because i envision myself put in that helpless scenario.

but then there are other times, where I think hardship makes a couple stronger. just hate how its THIS kind of hardship.

things are getting better, but it isn’t linear. that’s for sure.

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jumping the gun

I spent the past weekend with an old friend. She asked me about what I would want my wedding to be like, specifically color schemes. this is what girls around my age talk about.

It was a fair question given I had lied to her all weekend giving her the perception that all was good in my hood relating to the boy department.

Growing up, people thought I would have the largest wedding given my parent’s network and my own. this sentiment still rings true.

As I get older, I realize my parents (probably) won’t dictate what I should or should not have on a day meant nothing more than to celebrate love.

I went to a small wedding of 40 people one year with my family and it was perfect. There were no bridesmaids/groomsmen/flowergirls, etc. There was no string quartet, there was just an ipod and the ipod speakers (not even iphone!) The groom pressed play himself right before he walked down the aisle. The photographers were friends of theirs and the whole thing was genuine, sweet, and an honor to be a part of. This all took place in a small church up on a hill on a windy day. The reception was later at a chinese restaurant, 3 tables and the couple couldn’t be happier. I had a great time sitting next to the cutest toddler that couldn’t decide if he was really sleepy or really excited to see a balloon.

Most recently I had plans in the back of my head to have a small wedding ceremony (maybe in hawaii!) and a large reception wherever it was necessary. ooook that was a long detour to the point I wanted to speak about in my blog.

When my friend asked that question I told her i didnt want a wedding. It’s weird. I can actually see myself spending forever with him, but at this moment in time, I feel like it’s something that shouldn’t be celebrated. I thought about how weird this was to say. and the more probing follow-up questions she asked, the more adamant I was about my stance. but on the inside, I was feeling conflicted and ..betrayed? It then made me so angry that he was taking something away from me. and then I wonder, perhaps we’re just not meant to be. not right now anyway. I wouldn’t even be able to say unconditional love vows that I imagine saying to my future husband.

like the title says, I’m jumping the gun. i know staying together doesn’t mean immediate marriage (although thats kinda what hes propositioning me??) fck it – cant think about this now. I’m in school! I have a paper to write !! 🙂

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this is what heartbreak feels like

this is what it feels like.

My two best friends often consider themselves “misunderstood” and I agree with them. Both are incredibly intelligent with strong values. They are also kind, compassionate, and opinionated. In a nutshell, they are fucking badasses in all the right ways.

They are both well-loved but those that are ok friends or acquaintances may perceive one to be really girly/cutesy and the other to be super pushover-y nice. those aren’t bad qualities, but those shouldn’t be the qualities that define them.

I laughed when I first heard about their pow-wow over being misunderstood but after some thought, its true! I feel them.

Lately, I’ve been feeling misunderstood too. I think part of it is my fault given I don’t bare a lot of my soul to the public. cept u know, here, on this anonymous blog lol. sometimes, I feel like even my bf doesn’t understand me. to be fair, I dont understand me. but also to be totally unfair, hes an idiot. or maybe thats fair, im unsure. actually im sure – hes a fucking idiot.

When i used to date heavily, or at least flirty heavily with guys, I always kept it classy. why? because my reputation was so important to me. so important. I can’t stress that enough. I think a lot of that reputational factor tied in with my pride. I was fucking proud of who I was and what i stood for. Now in hindsight I wonder why I cared so much. why? it didn’t make me a “better” person objectively speaking, but I guess it was the person I wanted to be. I was a “better” person in my own eyes. But cmon, thats not really true, I know that now. I’m kinda confused as to why I held myself to that standard.

with that being said, most of my relationships start off as being really private and stay quite private for awhile. It’s just my MO because I really value my privacy and its none of yo business. thats my reasoning. my “bf” is the same way. I really liked it when i thought his reasonings were the same as mine. it was like our secret. i love you and you love me and thats all that mattered. Now, looking back, I feel so stupid.

He values his privacy too. but he valued it for completely different reasons. It fucking sucks to think that he wasn’t keeping it “our little fun secret”, he was “hiding me” instead. so he could go chase other girls. others that “he doenst care about”

word. i feel misunderstood if he thinks I would go for shit like that.

add-on edit: I think my perception of public love has changed now. I want a man that isn’t afraid to tell the world how much he cares for me.

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pos

he asked me to take a “leap of faith”

he promised me everything. he promised me love, care, commitment, respect, trust, honesty, everything. for forever. and he promised it would only be for me.

I want to believe him but I don’t. Not right now, anyway.

Right now, I need to figure out what this is worth and if it’s worth rebuilding after the earthquake.

He needs to figure out if he truly can deliver on what he is saying. I’m not sure he can. Behaviors take time to change, do I have the patience?

He said despite what happens, this will be a huge learning experience for him. At least I can have peace of mind he won’t put another girl through this shit.

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love language – feeling loved

in marketing, they teach us to NOT think of yourself as the consumer. don’t assume that what drives your purchase behavior is identical to the reasons that drives others’ purchase behavior. it would be arrogant to think that how you think is exactly how everyone else would think as well.

same with love. love is love, but we all feel love differently. did you know that?! I didnt until a few years ago when my friend was having boyfriend challenges and was told about this quiz –> http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ I won’t bore you with the details since they do a much better job of explaining it on that website (Don’t be fooled by the cheesy UI, it’s still worth the read!)

one of the basic things in a relationship is loving the other person, duh. but someone can love you all they want but if you don’t FEEL it, it really is like they’re not loving you at all. so it turns out that we all feel love a bit differently, prioritizing different ways over others. For me, it’s a term they dub “Quality Time”

Quality Time: “In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.”

That’s tough. when you’re long distance, you’re busy, and your significant other is busy.

this will sound completely self-centered and like I’m on my pedestal but I assure you thats not my intention. I dont think I ask for much. in fact, i know i don’t. my standards for this relationship has become so objectively low that I sometimes wonder if it’s healthy. it also scares me a bit, if we can function so well without one another, what will happen when we are togerther in the spring?

today I reached the tip of my point, not quite at the tipping point yet.

for the past week, hes been busy, tired, stressed, and overall not in a good place thanks to work. we barely spoke all week, every day would be some quick texts or gchat messages. he called me one night half asleep and he asked me about my day. which was nice, really nice. BUT before i could even begin to really start to answer, he essentially cut me off and said he was going to bed. why even ask..if you’re not going to listen?

today, we exchanged a few texts throughout the day and he called while I was with a friend grabbing a beer. I always pick up, because we rarely talk and i knew its always brief with him. he told me he was at work but going out later. when i asked who? there was a long pause, turns out he was reading an email from work that he had to respond to asap because apparently its urgent (it always is, and it never is). im bothered because he never seems to have time for me.

and when he does, its on his terms. I told him to not call me unless i had at least 4 minutes of his undivided attention. FOUR minutes. four fucking minutes. yes, thats it. its not really based on anything that happened today, but has built up. if you can remember my love language, quality time, thats really all I want. if you can go out with your friend at night, you can talk to me too.

im tired of it. i asked my friend if he thought two of our bschool friends that met at school would last post-grad. the guy was going into banking, and the girl was not. my friend said yes, because she is well aware of what its like and is well-prepared.

i called BS and pushed back. and i think i have become cynical. I have lost all my patience and it’s sad that I take out my frustrations on my current bf. it could be a lot worse, i definitely feel a lot worse than i come off to him, but I’m also in a weird position where I don’t want him to stress out more than he needs to.

which ALSO makes me angry. p.s. i recently watched gone girl and it is a crazy twisted movie that scares the crap out of me.

this is no way to end an entry and the problem remains. I do wonder if it IS a problem or am I just trying to mask the problem.

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