not edited, non-me

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

sometimes, i don’t even recognize myself. Lots of life changes happened..I graduated, moved cross-country (home), and also moved into my bf’s apartment (aka OUR apt). I like to emphasize the “our” haha.

Adapting to moves and big changes that I chose have always come quite naturally to me. I get a bit emotional and sentimental and then I move on. After all, I made that decision and I knew the decision was something that I wanted.

I feel like another person these days because :

1. I cry. a lot. every fucking thing makes me cry. can i still blame the birth control?!?! I feel like my ex-roommate that I always thought was an emotional wreck. Have I become this person as well?

2. I’m a jealous person. I’m not proud of this.

3. I feel emotionally dependent. Is this normal??? I’m not sure if my level of emotional dependence is based on the fact that there is so much to lose now since I’m in such a serious relationship.

4. I’m committing. I think I have a fear of commitment. Or is it I have a fear of THIS commitment? He has wronged me. It’s been awhile now, but snapshots still come back to me, and again, I am angry and hurt and ..emotional. I would say I’m a risk-averse person. I like to do my research, get my facts straight, and be prepared. This relationship has had so many curveballs that commitment feels like a true gamble. and I’m (almost) going all in??? That’s fucking nuts, especially for me. staying together isnt’ very logical, but it’s happening. …. at least for now 😛

5. I have no routine, I feel like I lack a purpose. ok, i think i’ve been unemployed for too long and should just enjoy things while I still can.

6. pretty much gave up on a healthy lifestyle. feeling weak and bloated.

7. i cry way too much. I read touching posts, heartwarming pictures, and hear wedding vows from complete strangers..it all makes me tear up. I’m realizing how short (and unpredictable) our time here is on earth. the moments and memories that we choose to share with the right people are crucial. It makes me feel scared and vulnerable. I have a problem with letting go of the past. I think I should because #7 right here just made it more obvious i should..again.

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cold feet

late last night, I realized I had the feeling of “getting cold feet” with moving in with him. from there, I tried to find the root cause..the relationship overall? maybe he isnt what I want. for forever. shouldnt i be nothing but excited? I can’t figure out if this feeling is worth noting, or if its just aftershocks of my mom’s viewpoint. or maybe it was just too late last night and my mind always wanders , in a bad way, at night.

love is a choice and I get that. but maybe I shouldn’t be choosing so early on? HA! there are definitely people out there that will think i am not “early” in age but u know what i mean right, reader??

for now, I love him but I wonder if my occasional doubts, feelings, and late-night musings are a product of any serious relationship..or the product of him being a fucking fucker and doing fuckin’ shitty things to our relationship not too long ago.

hmm the world may never know.

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comeback

I’ve written a few draft posts and they were too unfinished to post. they’re interesting reads as I talk about other boys, etc.

anyway, I got a job offer the other day (hallelujah!) which means I have even more free time. I started watching Scandal, and am continuing to read some blogs. So much is about lying, cheating, and ultimately betraying the trust of those you love. especially the ONE you’re supposed to love and commit to.

for whatever reason, i feel like everything just hits so close to home these days. i cry sometimes even during the dumbest shows. because i envision myself put in that helpless scenario.

but then there are other times, where I think hardship makes a couple stronger. just hate how its THIS kind of hardship.

things are getting better, but it isn’t linear. that’s for sure.

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pos

he asked me to take a “leap of faith”

he promised me everything. he promised me love, care, commitment, respect, trust, honesty, everything. for forever. and he promised it would only be for me.

I want to believe him but I don’t. Not right now, anyway.

Right now, I need to figure out what this is worth and if it’s worth rebuilding after the earthquake.

He needs to figure out if he truly can deliver on what he is saying. I’m not sure he can. Behaviors take time to change, do I have the patience?

He said despite what happens, this will be a huge learning experience for him. At least I can have peace of mind he won’t put another girl through this shit.

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UGH!

Over Thanksgiving I discovered something he did that betrayed my trust to the fullest. He didn’t cheat on me, nor does he have feelings for another girl but he was pretty much advertising himself as single and looking at other girls. I won’t get into the details because they’re unnecessary but its enough to get me angry every time.

Lots happened during that weekend , we fought, we broke up, we made up. and it’s been a roller coaster but a good one in many ways because I feel like we truly got closer and I see his weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and he has seen me extremely angry.

I feel like I have to defend myself, or be embarrassed as I tell my few close friends what happened. I hate that feeling. Why should I have to feel this way?! he did this to me. why did I forgive so quickly. it’s like he was barely “punished”

in a nutshell, its been going pretty well. [I know this post has been very disjointed thus far, bear with me!]

however, there are random spurts that come up in my mind that just make me incredibly angry and insecure. It sickens me that I feel this way. Two nights ago, I thought about how easy he was let off and how i need to make it known to him that this is NOT the norm. last night he went to a bar and I was annoyed but was too sick in bed to care. Instead, i find out today he went clubbing instead. He told me he got home at 1am and went to bed at 1am. I have no reason to not believe him, but I just don’t. my gut instinct was to not believe him. I have no idea what else he could’ve done but I guess that’s what happens when the trust is broken.

what frustrates me even more was that when i approached him about this he said I should always tell him how i’m feeling and that I have every right to feel this way. then i asked what he would do to regain my trust and he just said it will take time. Does he think this is ON ME!? sure, it’ll take time..but its based off HIS actions. I asked him to clarify and he just said doing things that wouldn’t make me angry, and spending tiem when we’re together, etc. OKKK….thats basic shit. shouldn’t he be doing something more-proactive?! am I thinking about this the wrong way, someone tell me! I feel like he hasn’t “made it up” to me. is that just some crazy movie thing??

and for the love of god, how much more do I have to hint that I want flowers?! this is not something I normally want but now its become some kind of weird game I play with myself (and indirectly, him) to see WHEN HE WILL ACTUALLY SEND ME FLOWERS. i mean, by this point i feel like i DESERVE them! it’s no longer a nice gesture, its more of a necessity. hahaha thank god this is anonymous because I may sound unstable right now.

thanks for listening friends – even if its just the black hole that is wordpress. 🙂

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