Paris – Day 2

1. Bread!!!! I love bread!!!!!!!!!

2. Packaging is everything. Why yes, I’ll buy $30 mustard and $45 pistachios 

3. I bought a present for his mom. I was embarrassed to tell my friend because of how he has treated me 

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Spring Break – Day 2 – London

1. learned more about racism in London/Uk and other highly homogenous areas. truly makes me appreciate diverse america and how we actually get many opportunities to interact with people of difference backgrounds.

2. indian food- I will never love you. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. we’re just different. it wasn’t meant to be. http://www.tayyabs.co.uk/

3. taxi cabs – damn why are you so hard to spot. and damn! why was that 15 min cab ride $50!?

4. Leon! – http://leonrestaurants.co.uk/ this place does fresh, tasty, affordable food right.

5. hashtag everything http://www.boxpark.co.uk/#_ too hipster, couldn’t hang.

6. walking is wonderful

7. ate dinner with my friend’s sister and her friends. art gallery managers, music managers, and some odd peeps. it’s fun to meet people so different from myself, but also really tiring to ..u know..talk to new peeps when i dont give a ..F

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Spring Break – Day 1 – London

Barely any rest from boonies to London

1. downloaded tinder for the hell of it. part fun part curiosity part vengeful. I felt slightly guilty but only slightly. that shit is fucking easy to get matched on. after understanding what the hell was going on, i was swiping for 15-20 minutes. swipe left. swipe left. left. left. the cute ones really pop out. swipe right. i got matched by nearly anyone I swiped right for. then I just stopped, it was so stupid. at least i know i got some tinder game.

2. redeyes are never a good idea

3. British Airways feeds you twice on a 5.5 hour flight – dinner and breakfast

4. no sleep. all eating. every few hours. full. feeling bloated. detox..with croissants tomorrow.

5. staying in a very REAL part of london. no big ben, no afternoon high teas, no london eye. lots of turkish food, schwarmas, men’s barber shops, and hipster coffee joints (gentrification)

6, tube and bus riders have some socioeconomic differences (confirmed)

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my life

33% – hate him

33% – can see a future with him

33% – hbogo

;oadiskjf;lkasdjfn;lksdfn;alskdfnaksjdf,hvnosdx,nv fuck him

he brought up the notion that I may be happier without him in my life. I think thats definitely true in the short-term. but what about long-term?

you have caused me so many unnecessary wrinkles on this already wrinkly dry face. you owe me some la mer or whatever high -end brand is out there now.

#confusion

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jumping the gun

I spent the past weekend with an old friend. She asked me about what I would want my wedding to be like, specifically color schemes. this is what girls around my age talk about.

It was a fair question given I had lied to her all weekend giving her the perception that all was good in my hood relating to the boy department.

Growing up, people thought I would have the largest wedding given my parent’s network and my own. this sentiment still rings true.

As I get older, I realize my parents (probably) won’t dictate what I should or should not have on a day meant nothing more than to celebrate love.

I went to a small wedding of 40 people one year with my family and it was perfect. There were no bridesmaids/groomsmen/flowergirls, etc. There was no string quartet, there was just an ipod and the ipod speakers (not even iphone!) The groom pressed play himself right before he walked down the aisle. The photographers were friends of theirs and the whole thing was genuine, sweet, and an honor to be a part of. This all took place in a small church up on a hill on a windy day. The reception was later at a chinese restaurant, 3 tables and the couple couldn’t be happier. I had a great time sitting next to the cutest toddler that couldn’t decide if he was really sleepy or really excited to see a balloon.

Most recently I had plans in the back of my head to have a small wedding ceremony (maybe in hawaii!) and a large reception wherever it was necessary. ooook that was a long detour to the point I wanted to speak about in my blog.

When my friend asked that question I told her i didnt want a wedding. It’s weird. I can actually see myself spending forever with him, but at this moment in time, I feel like it’s something that shouldn’t be celebrated. I thought about how weird this was to say. and the more probing follow-up questions she asked, the more adamant I was about my stance. but on the inside, I was feeling conflicted and ..betrayed? It then made me so angry that he was taking something away from me. and then I wonder, perhaps we’re just not meant to be. not right now anyway. I wouldn’t even be able to say unconditional love vows that I imagine saying to my future husband.

like the title says, I’m jumping the gun. i know staying together doesn’t mean immediate marriage (although thats kinda what hes propositioning me??) fck it – cant think about this now. I’m in school! I have a paper to write !! 🙂

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this is what heartbreak feels like

this is what it feels like.

My two best friends often consider themselves “misunderstood” and I agree with them. Both are incredibly intelligent with strong values. They are also kind, compassionate, and opinionated. In a nutshell, they are fucking badasses in all the right ways.

They are both well-loved but those that are ok friends or acquaintances may perceive one to be really girly/cutesy and the other to be super pushover-y nice. those aren’t bad qualities, but those shouldn’t be the qualities that define them.

I laughed when I first heard about their pow-wow over being misunderstood but after some thought, its true! I feel them.

Lately, I’ve been feeling misunderstood too. I think part of it is my fault given I don’t bare a lot of my soul to the public. cept u know, here, on this anonymous blog lol. sometimes, I feel like even my bf doesn’t understand me. to be fair, I dont understand me. but also to be totally unfair, hes an idiot. or maybe thats fair, im unsure. actually im sure – hes a fucking idiot.

When i used to date heavily, or at least flirty heavily with guys, I always kept it classy. why? because my reputation was so important to me. so important. I can’t stress that enough. I think a lot of that reputational factor tied in with my pride. I was fucking proud of who I was and what i stood for. Now in hindsight I wonder why I cared so much. why? it didn’t make me a “better” person objectively speaking, but I guess it was the person I wanted to be. I was a “better” person in my own eyes. But cmon, thats not really true, I know that now. I’m kinda confused as to why I held myself to that standard.

with that being said, most of my relationships start off as being really private and stay quite private for awhile. It’s just my MO because I really value my privacy and its none of yo business. thats my reasoning. my “bf” is the same way. I really liked it when i thought his reasonings were the same as mine. it was like our secret. i love you and you love me and thats all that mattered. Now, looking back, I feel so stupid.

He values his privacy too. but he valued it for completely different reasons. It fucking sucks to think that he wasn’t keeping it “our little fun secret”, he was “hiding me” instead. so he could go chase other girls. others that “he doenst care about”

word. i feel misunderstood if he thinks I would go for shit like that.

add-on edit: I think my perception of public love has changed now. I want a man that isn’t afraid to tell the world how much he cares for me.

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