29 year old rants

should I be upset? I am upset. I’m turning 30 in less than a month and my boyfriend hasn’t given it a second thought? He gave it a first thought then just glossed right over it and went to twitter. Yea, he is addicted to twitter for his newsfeed. I guess this could be like any other birthday, but I feel like it personally is extra special because 1. I’ve moved home. 2. I’m 30. 3. life is precious, celebrating it with the ones you love is so special. I don’t like being the spotlight by any means, but I do love being surrounded by people I genuinely missed my last year away on the east coast.Everyone coming together takes planning, something he doesn’t like to do. I love my friends, I love my family, I love my bf.

and yet, here I am, upset and feeling super awkward and bitchy because I asked for a plan ..something..ugh. nothing would be nice now too. but I do love cake and balloons. I get that everyone is on celebration and big events overload these days with weddings, baby showers, bachelorettes, bridal showers, bdays, etc. However, I was reading Sheryl Sandberg’s post https://www.facebook.com/sheryl/posts/10155617891025177:0 and yes, events are meant to be celebrated.

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not edited, non-me

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

sometimes, i don’t even recognize myself. Lots of life changes happened..I graduated, moved cross-country (home), and also moved into my bf’s apartment (aka OUR apt). I like to emphasize the “our” haha.

Adapting to moves and big changes that I chose have always come quite naturally to me. I get a bit emotional and sentimental and then I move on. After all, I made that decision and I knew the decision was something that I wanted.

I feel like another person these days because :

1. I cry. a lot. every fucking thing makes me cry. can i still blame the birth control?!?! I feel like my ex-roommate that I always thought was an emotional wreck. Have I become this person as well?

2. I’m a jealous person. I’m not proud of this.

3. I feel emotionally dependent. Is this normal??? I’m not sure if my level of emotional dependence is based on the fact that there is so much to lose now since I’m in such a serious relationship.

4. I’m committing. I think I have a fear of commitment. Or is it I have a fear of THIS commitment? He has wronged me. It’s been awhile now, but snapshots still come back to me, and again, I am angry and hurt and ..emotional. I would say I’m a risk-averse person. I like to do my research, get my facts straight, and be prepared. This relationship has had so many curveballs that commitment feels like a true gamble. and I’m (almost) going all in??? That’s fucking nuts, especially for me. staying together isnt’ very logical, but it’s happening. …. at least for now 😛

5. I have no routine, I feel like I lack a purpose. ok, i think i’ve been unemployed for too long and should just enjoy things while I still can.

6. pretty much gave up on a healthy lifestyle. feeling weak and bloated.

7. i cry way too much. I read touching posts, heartwarming pictures, and hear wedding vows from complete strangers..it all makes me tear up. I’m realizing how short (and unpredictable) our time here is on earth. the moments and memories that we choose to share with the right people are crucial. It makes me feel scared and vulnerable. I have a problem with letting go of the past. I think I should because #7 right here just made it more obvious i should..again.

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an old lover. but not.

tomorrow, my bf is coming in and we are going to one of my old friend’s wedding.

this old friend is more special than others as he is someone, at one point in my life, I thought I would marry. crazy huh? We never even dated but we were pretty much best friends in college and very good friends thereafter. We spent a majority of our time in college together, despite differing majors.

I met him on the first day of school as I lived in a suite (8 girls/suite) with a girl that attended his high school. Over the years, we would study together, hang out casually in our suite, eat meals together, chat online even though he only lived 2 floors above me. The crazy thing is, this is all before the crazy connectivity of smartphones.

Our close friends, or even just acquaintances from undergrad would often wonder why we never got toghether. My immediate response is usually..i didnt like him, mama’s boy, or he never made a move. In reality, what encompasses it..as with almost everything..was timing.

He went abroad, then I went abroad. I have to admit, after I went abroad, my views on boys and dating changed. Well, not really, but I got a taste of life in the fast lane, partying my face off, and really digging the “scene”. That wasn’t him. he was homey, humble, kind, hilarious in his own way, and a fantastic friend to those that knew him. Oh, and quite attractive and pre-med 😉 . I was looking for that “bad boy” swagger. ha! I sound like such a cliche, but I guess I was. nothing seemed to be in a rush, I was digging the attention from cute guys at the clubs and enjoyed flirting with the creme of the crop that would come my way.

I won’t go into the history and evolvement of our relationship timeline, but some memories that popped up were:

1. freshman year. he left my suite late night around 2am after hanging out in our living room. we chatted right when he got back up to his room. I mentioned i was hungry. He told me to go to the elevators. when i got there, the elevator doors opened and on the ground was a paper towel with some crackers and cookies on top.

2. when I got lost on the road (pre-smartphones!), I would call/text him and he woudl look anything up for me

3. when I was frustrated with my brother, he would listen, ask questions, and comfort me.

4. we used “hello” – a now discontinued google app that exchanged pictures in real time with crazy falling emojis. we would exchange so many pictures

anyway. hes getting married tomorrow. In no way, did i think ..”man, he got away! cant believe hes getting married!” I think that’s because we never really dated. I never yearned to BE with him. I wonder if ti’s because he gave me everything as a friend (besides sexually that is). he knew how to listen and make me feel heard, he was proactively helpful, he was kind to others, he really cared about me and vice versa. his moral compass was always pointing in the right direction as well.

or was it. When we were both living in NY and he had a gf and I was single, we would facetime at times. not really talking or catching up. just him showing me his apt, we’d chat about nothing, he would kinda do his thing while i did mine but still staying connected. I wouldnt like it if my bf did that now with some girl. it may be “harmless” but made me feel funny nonetheless.

I used to think I was really strong, independent, and low maint. Lately I’ve been feeling needy and vulnerable. I wonder if I just felt strong and independent because I was secure and emotionally fulfilled. if i”m being needy now, it probably means im not being emotionally fulfilled huh. I am at times, it’s just more volatile.

I think he is the ultimate companion, partner for life. and I really hope she makes him extremely happy and vice versa.

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cold feet

late last night, I realized I had the feeling of “getting cold feet” with moving in with him. from there, I tried to find the root cause..the relationship overall? maybe he isnt what I want. for forever. shouldnt i be nothing but excited? I can’t figure out if this feeling is worth noting, or if its just aftershocks of my mom’s viewpoint. or maybe it was just too late last night and my mind always wanders , in a bad way, at night.

love is a choice and I get that. but maybe I shouldn’t be choosing so early on? HA! there are definitely people out there that will think i am not “early” in age but u know what i mean right, reader??

for now, I love him but I wonder if my occasional doubts, feelings, and late-night musings are a product of any serious relationship..or the product of him being a fucking fucker and doing fuckin’ shitty things to our relationship not too long ago.

hmm the world may never know.

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comeback

I’ve written a few draft posts and they were too unfinished to post. they’re interesting reads as I talk about other boys, etc.

anyway, I got a job offer the other day (hallelujah!) which means I have even more free time. I started watching Scandal, and am continuing to read some blogs. So much is about lying, cheating, and ultimately betraying the trust of those you love. especially the ONE you’re supposed to love and commit to.

for whatever reason, i feel like everything just hits so close to home these days. i cry sometimes even during the dumbest shows. because i envision myself put in that helpless scenario.

but then there are other times, where I think hardship makes a couple stronger. just hate how its THIS kind of hardship.

things are getting better, but it isn’t linear. that’s for sure.

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Paris – Day 3

1. detox needs to happen immediately – my love for bread (as mentioned yesterday) has spun dangerously out of control today. croissants! baguettes! baguette sandwiches! olive bread! chocolate croissants! you tasty french nuggets are slowly destroying me. im happy to be leaving you soon, fresh cheese, sausages, bread, and desserts.

2. rue saint-honore (street of luxury retail shops) – you are also the devil. you make me feel like I actually have the purchasing power of a crazy chinese billionaire. just because i look like the asians that infiltrate these stores in herd-like fashion, I am nowhere near their level of $$$ money makers. actually, even the dude telling me paris mcds doesnt sell ice cream has more income than me right now. and alas, i sit here with buyers remorse after my latest big purchase. =X =O =( …. 🙂  today, I visited 0 museums and 4 chanel stores. perhaps i am the devil.

3. i let tears stream down my face because i didn’t feel my bf cared. that sounds weird. i know he loves me but i dont feel loved. i told him im emotionally unfulfilled and he didn’t get it. we fought over it and then i told him i felt isolated. i dont wnt to get into it now but i meant emotionally isolated. he fired back with the fact that i was the one that decided to go to europe, and hes just in US doing his thing, what else can he do? its a long story with nuances. I began to feel frustrated by our lack of communication skills and me having to ASK for love. it’s weird. so i started googling “emotionally unfulfilled” and came across a shit ton of articles, Q&As, forums, etc. some of the posts were extremely relatable and in many ways helped me feel less alone. sadly, many of them also described my situation and how breaking up was one of the best decisions. I wondered how we could “fix” it or at least get better. Then I came across this article :http://www.howtokeepher.com/emotional-immaturity.html I skimmed it at first but then read it thoroughly. I think it kinda helps to lay out what needs to be done from both of our vantage points (but still, mainly the man..hm maybe thats why i like it). I debated whether or not to send it to him because i didnt want him to think he is “immature” or think im blaming him.  thankfully he didnt take it that way. he said it helped him understand a little of where i was coming from and apologized for being “emotionally immature”. UGH we have a long ways to go.

4. final round interviews coming up – eek. not ready. not ready. NOT READY

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