not edited, non-me

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

sometimes, i don’t even recognize myself. Lots of life changes happened..I graduated, moved cross-country (home), and also moved into my bf’s apartment (aka OUR apt). I like to emphasize the “our” haha.

Adapting to moves and big changes that I chose have always come quite naturally to me. I get a bit emotional and sentimental and then I move on. After all, I made that decision and I knew the decision was something that I wanted.

I feel like another person these days because :

1. I cry. a lot. every fucking thing makes me cry. can i still blame the birth control?!?! I feel like my ex-roommate that I always thought was an emotional wreck. Have I become this person as well?

2. I’m a jealous person. I’m not proud of this.

3. I feel emotionally dependent. Is this normal??? I’m not sure if my level of emotional dependence is based on the fact that there is so much to lose now since I’m in such a serious relationship.

4. I’m committing. I think I have a fear of commitment. Or is it I have a fear of THIS commitment? He has wronged me. It’s been awhile now, but snapshots still come back to me, and again, I am angry and hurt and ..emotional. I would say I’m a risk-averse person. I like to do my research, get my facts straight, and be prepared. This relationship has had so many curveballs that commitment feels like a true gamble. and I’m (almost) going all in??? That’s fucking nuts, especially for me. staying together isnt’ very logical, but it’s happening. …. at least for now 😛

5. I have no routine, I feel like I lack a purpose. ok, i think i’ve been unemployed for too long and should just enjoy things while I still can.

6. pretty much gave up on a healthy lifestyle. feeling weak and bloated.

7. i cry way too much. I read touching posts, heartwarming pictures, and hear wedding vows from complete strangers..it all makes me tear up. I’m realizing how short (and unpredictable) our time here is on earth. the moments and memories that we choose to share with the right people are crucial. It makes me feel scared and vulnerable. I have a problem with letting go of the past. I think I should because #7 right here just made it more obvious i should..again.

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