this is what heartbreak feels like

this is what it feels like.

My two best friends often consider themselves “misunderstood” and I agree with them. Both are incredibly intelligent with strong values. They are also kind, compassionate, and opinionated. In a nutshell, they are fucking badasses in all the right ways.

They are both well-loved but those that are ok friends or acquaintances may perceive one to be really girly/cutesy and the other to be super pushover-y nice. those aren’t bad qualities, but those shouldn’t be the qualities that define them.

I laughed when I first heard about their pow-wow over being misunderstood but after some thought, its true! I feel them.

Lately, I’ve been feeling misunderstood too. I think part of it is my fault given I don’t bare a lot of my soul to the public. cept u know, here, on this anonymous blog lol. sometimes, I feel like even my bf doesn’t understand me. to be fair, I dont understand me. but also to be totally unfair, hes an idiot. or maybe thats fair, im unsure. actually im sure – hes a fucking idiot.

When i used to date heavily, or at least flirty heavily with guys, I always kept it classy. why? because my reputation was so important to me. so important. I can’t stress that enough. I think a lot of that reputational factor tied in with my pride. I was fucking proud of who I was and what i stood for. Now in hindsight I wonder why I cared so much. why? it didn’t make me a “better” person objectively speaking, but I guess it was the person I wanted to be. I was a “better” person in my own eyes. But cmon, thats not really true, I know that now. I’m kinda confused as to why I held myself to that standard.

with that being said, most of my relationships start off as being really private and stay quite private for awhile. It’s just my MO because I really value my privacy and its none of yo business. thats my reasoning. my “bf” is the same way. I really liked it when i thought his reasonings were the same as mine. it was like our secret. i love you and you love me and thats all that mattered. Now, looking back, I feel so stupid.

He values his privacy too. but he valued it for completely different reasons. It fucking sucks to think that he wasn’t keeping it “our little fun secret”, he was “hiding me” instead. so he could go chase other girls. others that “he doenst care about”

word. i feel misunderstood if he thinks I would go for shit like that.

add-on edit: I think my perception of public love has changed now. I want a man that isn’t afraid to tell the world how much he cares for me.


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