jumping the gun

I spent the past weekend with an old friend. She asked me about what I would want my wedding to be like, specifically color schemes. this is what girls around my age talk about.

It was a fair question given I had lied to her all weekend giving her the perception that all was good in my hood relating to the boy department.

Growing up, people thought I would have the largest wedding given my parent’s network and my own. this sentiment still rings true.

As I get older, I realize my parents (probably) won’t dictate what I should or should not have on a day meant nothing more than to celebrate love.

I went to a small wedding of 40 people one year with my family and it was perfect. There were no bridesmaids/groomsmen/flowergirls, etc. There was no string quartet, there was just an ipod and the ipod speakers (not even iphone!) The groom pressed play himself right before he walked down the aisle. The photographers were friends of theirs and the whole thing was genuine, sweet, and an honor to be a part of. This all took place in a small church up on a hill on a windy day. The reception was later at a chinese restaurant, 3 tables and the couple couldn’t be happier. I had a great time sitting next to the cutest toddler that couldn’t decide if he was really sleepy or really excited to see a balloon.

Most recently I had plans in the back of my head to have a small wedding ceremony (maybe in hawaii!) and a large reception wherever it was necessary. ooook that was a long detour to the point I wanted to speak about in my blog.

When my friend asked that question I told her i didnt want a wedding. It’s weird. I can actually see myself spending forever with him, but at this moment in time, I feel like it’s something that shouldn’t be celebrated. I thought about how weird this was to say. and the more probing follow-up questions she asked, the more adamant I was about my stance. but on the inside, I was feeling conflicted and ..betrayed? It then made me so angry that he was taking something away from me. and then I wonder, perhaps we’re just not meant to be. not right now anyway. I wouldn’t even be able to say unconditional love vows that I imagine saying to my future husband.

like the title says, I’m jumping the gun. i know staying together doesn’t mean immediate marriage (although thats kinda what hes propositioning me??) fck it – cant think about this now. I’m in school! I have a paper to write !! đŸ™‚

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