I live in the boonies. This place is named one of the best collegetowns out there. Why? Because we are in the boonies, what else is there? Well what does that mean? It means I am pretty isolated from the people that know me best on an all-encompassing level.
My best friend knows everything about me, yet lately I just haven’t been communicating that much. We are totally the TMI type of friends. There is no filter and no judgment – the best kind of best friendship. But these days, I go through about 500 emotions, roller coaster emotions that just contradict themselves within hours, or minutes. It’s really challenging for me to keep up with my school life and personal life, and ,…ya know, everything else. It’d be even harder for her to keep up. I have been finding it really hard to tell a cohesive story re: my personal life these days. I really can’t do it now, my mind is exhausted.
When something is truly bothering me or stressing me out, there is just no way I can fall asleep. My body typically crashes after a few days of horrible sleep. This time is oddly different. I have no trouble sleeping at all, my emotional and mental state are simply fucking tired by the time its 8pm. surprise surprise, its 8pm and Im not tired yet. woot, thank you daylight savings??
This past saturday we agreed to stop communicating with one another for a bit. We started off with a day (we are pathetic with super weak self discipline). I said we should probably do more days so we really have time to think. He told me he really wanted to make it work but I get upset with him every time because he isn’t able to provide me with what I need to hear, or give me any good answers because he hasn’t had time to think things through. I’ve been completely irrational (i dont care) lately and he takes it (as he should). He said it makes sense that I’m upset because every day I say something and he hears me but he isn’t able to just switch something “on” overnight. For him, it’s more of a conscious effort and a need to figure out what he can actually do too. Fair enough. I need time to think clearly too.
So we didnt speak on Sunday.
Then Monday morning 6am, I wake up angry. I call him (3am) and he sleepily greets me and said he just had a dream about me. We were in a foreign country, he was driving a small car, and I was in the passenger seat yelling at him. Lol. that..sucks, but I shouldn’t be surprised. I actually laughed before I went into my rant. He apologizes, etc etc.
I go back to bed and I wake up at 9am. extremely shaken up by my nightmare. Not knowing reality from my dreams for a minute, I was literally shaking. I was so relieved when I finally “woke up” and realized hey, i’m in my room and its 9am and that dream was just a dream. Without getting into details, it had to do with people that I love, betrayal, affairs, and a very serious lack of respect. I called him as my hands trembled. what an odd sensation.
He picked up. It was 6am and he’s normally sleeping at that time and all I hear is street noise. He told me he coudln’t sleep after I called him so he decided to just start his day and was on his way to work. I told him about my nightmare and his first reaction was to quietly say “oh shit”. This is significant because I swear way more than him and I rarely hear him utter those bad four letter words. He apologized so sincerely for my dream and said that everything bad that has happened to me was because of him. Lately, yes. but generally, no. I couldn’t let him take the fall for that. I comforted him but at the same time was still shaken up from my dream. I told him that’s not true and that I KNOW it’s just a dream but it was so vivid. and he insisted that none of this would be happening if it weren’t for him (well,…yea) but the pain in his voice just made me break.
For the past two weeks he’s been in what my friends call “crisis mode” – the “oh fuck, i fucked up” situation he put himself in and doing whatever he can to “fix” everything. Now, he is promising me the world. every piece of it. for me and for forever. I take it seriously because it’s very out of character for him to say anything remotely close to that. I also don’t take it seriously at all because that shit takes TIME and if his past behavior is indicative of future behavior…
so I’ve been trying to test him, push him, “break” him, because I don’t really believe he understands the magnitude of what he is saying/promising. but he has proved to be too strong (for now) for my name-calling, demands, putdowns, and outright skepticism. he has been unwavering in his commitment..so far. and yet I just don’t believe it. so I prod, I poke, I pretty much stab him to death.
and yet in the process. today, I think I broke myself. As he took responsibility for even the bad parts he couldn’t control (my dreams), I started to cry and so I continued. I cried for the person in my dream because I felt her pain and I couldn’t fix it. and then i just cried for myself because ya know, its fucking 6am and i’m sleep deprived (and Im also on my period), what else is there to do?? sarcasm.
no, I cried because i fucking missed him. and I told him so. for two weeks I’ve been so angry and sad, I didn’t want to show him any loving emotions at all. according to me, he didnt deserve them. I still don’t think he does. but I was tired, in every way possible. as he continued to blame himself for all the bad in my life, I told him to stop. I called him not because i wanted to make him feel bad, i just had that horrible nightmare and wanted to call because i missed him. he comforts me.