one long ass post, inspiration from DKOS
this morning I started googling..why people cheat. I read every article on the first page of the google results, but my favorites were the first few. maybe thats because I was still reading instead of skimming.
I’ve felt tempted before but I always knew where to draw the line and never even danced around that line dangerously. I’m beginning to think I’m not the norm. some of my best friends have cheated, or have been with people with bf/gfs, or some variation that isn’t so kosher. I don’t write them off as bad people, and I’m not sure why. I think it’s because i know who they are, i understand their story, their intentions, their vulnerabilities, and their authentic responses afterwards. they have no reason to lie to me and after all, they are some very close friends. but the details, emotions, and quick “go with the flow” actions are hurtful to someone out there. and i wonder where that nugget of knowledge was when they were engaging in that action.
in a nutshell, the articles explore reasons people cheat. some of the major themes were not being happy with oneself, not feeling emotionally fulfilled, not feeling physically fulfilled. people often say you have to be happy with yourself before you can date someone else. happy finds happy. Personally, I’ve never had a problem with being single. It never bothered me. It only bothered me when OTHERS felt like it was something bad. please, i know there is nothing wrong with me, I don’t need anyone to validate me. I know im fucking special 🙂 Ok ok, needless to say my self esteem was high and i was independent. This was easy based on my upbringing and the fact that ALL MY FRIENDS were just as fucking awesome.
but I see their point, be happy with oneself before you can find love. my roommate is going through something right now. She is lonely and very honest with me about her feelings. I see how her emotions are tugged and pulled by someone that is not worth her time. really, when she is rational and not emotional, she tells me she doesnt even like him as a person. yet when we are out at bars, his (in)action drives her over the edge to inopportune texts and behaviors. her happiness is largely based on his aloof personality and when a small act of kindness comes in, that nice gesture is disproportionately magnified. I’ve been in her shoes before – giving your time to someone that wasn’t worth it. of course once you leave, all he wants is you.
I find it hard to comfort her, so I ask questions and once she answers thoughtfully, she knows where I am going with my message. like everything, framing matters and it takes time.
More than a handful of times, I have been in situations where someone says “I’ve never told anyone this before but..” or “I don’t even know you that well but I feel like I trust you so I want to tell you something” or “I’m embarrassed to say this to other people but..” It always takes me by surprise. One of the more shocking stories came from a female classmate dating a male classmate. We talked about relationships while we were abroad together. They might be long distance post-graduation and she was concerned but like any true business school female, her own career and ambitions were just as important as his. She talked about her frustrations with him being a class player reputation for most of last year.
Last year..He would always greet me as the prettiest girl at school in front of everyone in our atrium. awkward. he would buy me drinks on drinks on drinks. boy please, ill take your drinks but I’m not stupid. hes also in his 30s, lots of experience being a bachelor. regardless of his well known aggressive practices, he got laid here and there and here and there and here adn there. I even had friends that pined over him. seriously, wtf. I wrote him off immediately despite being a great conversationalist and clearly knew how to make a girl smile and feel comfortable. I’ve seen a ton of that in my day already. they got together and started quasi-dating.
I’ve always known I wanted someone that only wanted me, and no one else. because thats how I love. in hindsight, thats a bit naive and too black and white. love grows. and in the case of their story it certainly did. Now, I barely see him out and they are 2 fucking lovebirds all the damn time. but of course their journey there didn’t come without some bumps and a fucking earthquake.
post-earthquake, she was done. and it jolted something in him. the bumps were the lies. the earthquake was the truth revealed. and it was a big one. fucking 9.7 in my book. and it was all out there, damages and all.
I listened to her story in horror. and I couldn’t help but silently draw ties to my own story of my own relationship back then. We had just come off the worst fight last year (as written about below). so I was in a place of understanding. I even told her I believed people can change because my boyfriend at that time had told me he saw the light and he has made a strong choice to be better. I believed him. She believed me, and it gave her comfort that I said that.
Listening to her story made me really fucking proud of her. She’s got balls and confidence, two things that people don’t clearly see at first glance. Them getting back together was absolutely not easy on him and she stuck by her word. but she did end up forgiving him. and again, their love grew.
At that time, I really wondered if I could be as open-minded as her. Probably not. every situation is different, every situation’s players are different too. As I hung out with both of them over the course of that week, he is clearly a solid dude with a clear direction and caring heart. an amazing 180. even when he was around his banking buddies, he was still a solid dude. would’ve never believed you if you told me that in 2013.
bumps on the road are unpredictable. theres always some huge pothole that catches you by surprise but you’re able to quickly calibrate because you know your car has got yo back.
but then the earthquake comes. and it is completely unexpected. everything you once knew was destroyed in a moment. you take a look at the rubble that was once your happy home, and its hard to remember how life existed before the earthquake. the pieces of memory are kinda there, but they’re also interrupted by the reality staring at you. a bunch of broken and disjointed everywhere.
it hurt everyone and the damages can never be undone. but maybe they can be rebuilt. if you choose to rebuild it that is. sometimes people just leave the damaged goods because it’s not worth the effort. others work a bit harder (not saying this is the smarter choice), but it does take more work to stay and rebuild. It takes time and it also takes a team.
what would you do? I wouldn’t know at first, I would need some time to think about it.