UGH!

Over Thanksgiving I discovered something he did that betrayed my trust to the fullest. He didn’t cheat on me, nor does he have feelings for another girl but he was pretty much advertising himself as single and looking at other girls. I won’t get into the details because they’re unnecessary but its enough to get me angry every time.

Lots happened during that weekend , we fought, we broke up, we made up. and it’s been a roller coaster but a good one in many ways because I feel like we truly got closer and I see his weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and he has seen me extremely angry.

I feel like I have to defend myself, or be embarrassed as I tell my few close friends what happened. I hate that feeling. Why should I have to feel this way?! he did this to me. why did I forgive so quickly. it’s like he was barely “punished”

in a nutshell, its been going pretty well. [I know this post has been very disjointed thus far, bear with me!]

however, there are random spurts that come up in my mind that just make me incredibly angry and insecure. It sickens me that I feel this way. Two nights ago, I thought about how easy he was let off and how i need to make it known to him that this is NOT the norm. last night he went to a bar and I was annoyed but was too sick in bed to care. Instead, i find out today he went clubbing instead. He told me he got home at 1am and went to bed at 1am. I have no reason to not believe him, but I just don’t. my gut instinct was to not believe him. I have no idea what else he could’ve done but I guess that’s what happens when the trust is broken.

what frustrates me even more was that when i approached him about this he said I should always tell him how i’m feeling and that I have every right to feel this way. then i asked what he would do to regain my trust and he just said it will take time. Does he think this is ON ME!? sure, it’ll take time..but its based off HIS actions. I asked him to clarify and he just said doing things that wouldn’t make me angry, and spending tiem when we’re together, etc. OKKK….thats basic shit. shouldn’t he be doing something more-proactive?! am I thinking about this the wrong way, someone tell me! I feel like he hasn’t “made it up” to me. is that just some crazy movie thing??

and for the love of god, how much more do I have to hint that I want flowers?! this is not something I normally want but now its become some kind of weird game I play with myself (and indirectly, him) to see WHEN HE WILL ACTUALLY SEND ME FLOWERS. i mean, by this point i feel like i DESERVE them! it’s no longer a nice gesture, its more of a necessity. hahaha thank god this is anonymous because I may sound unstable right now.

thanks for listening friends – even if its just the black hole that is wordpress. 🙂

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