break to break up? or break to breathe?

what do you do when you feel like you need a break from a relationship?

I always felt like that is just the beginning of the end. No good can come of it and if you’re thinking of actually taking a break rather than just talking it out, its probably been over for awhile. The benefits of a break is that you can ease into a breakup. It’s less shocking, and the break (to one or none) will be the most surprising part.

In my last relationship, my ex and I decided to take a break. It was long distance (albeit on the same coast), we were both adjusting (read: working really hard to impress) to our new jobs in new cities, and it was tough. Visits would happen but ultimately there were more fights and the love lost much of its luster. I had known him since I was 14 and always loved him for exactly who he was. Exactly who he was as a friend wasn’t really who I wanted as a boyfriend. The transition was pretty seamless but my expectations increase when it comes to a romantic relationship and we both felt personal pressures. When we went on a break, I was devastated. I couldn’t imagine my life without him and I cried and cried in my NYC apartment.

for a day. maybe 2. then clarity set in. It was a weeklong break and we stayed together for a few more weeks (or months? after a breakup it was all useless details anyway). When we officially broke up, I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel sad. it was the right decision and I knew it. sure, there were some drunken convos and dinners with wine that ensued afterwards that felt comfortable and easy, but nothing more. a few months later, he initiated discussions to get back together. I had no other love interest in mind but in those few months of being single gave me a clear mind and a clear heart. I didn’t even entertain the thought and was honest in telling him so.

ok so thats a story of when a break –> break up –> awesome decision

fast forward a few years and I’m in another long distance relationship and thinking of taking a break. but this time it’s different. I don’t feel like it’s over, I dont want to break up, I just want a break. I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. why would I want a break if things are fine? or if I didnt want to break up? and if i loved someone, wouldnt I NOT want to take a break. well, obviously.

I’ve felt quite disconnected from him and our relationship lately. I feel unloved, unappreciated, and ultimately like I’m in an unloving relationship. those are harsh words, I know he loves me and cares for me. Hes been stressed at work (not an excuse) but a consideration, and I’ve been harping on him for awhile about my expectations in a relationship. he works on his communication, it gets better for a bit, and we fall back into our same routine.

You know when you’re in a relationship there is that intangible connection, that indescribable feeling, and that certain je ne sais quoi. that part feels lacking lately and I’m feeling “let down”. let me explain, if I’m in a bad mood, I would like someone to ask me why I’m in a bad mood instead of someone simply saying “feel better!”. its a nice saying but I feel like it doesnt get to the core of understanding why im in a bad mood, which to me, signals you care as to why im in a bad mood. am i fishing here? expecting too much and not actually saying it? perhaps, but I already said it before so its not new news.

back to the break part. I’m in a funk. I think he might be too. I just want a break to recharge. I want a break from feeling let down. I do believe that once i see him it will get better, but even 1.5 weeks seems like a long time from now. thats how i feel, i’m 90% sure I wont be talking about a break because its too hard to NOT have it blown out of proportion. but sometimes..wouldnt it be nice to just take a step back and  breathe?

disclaimer: i know it sounds selfish, but those are not my intentions. and i love him, very much so.

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